


Lille

by triforcewaffles



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blue Diamond - Freeform, F/F, Implied Attempted Suicide, Yellow Diamond - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23340403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triforcewaffles/pseuds/triforcewaffles
Summary: Often when they couldn't clear their heads, both Blue and Yellow found themselves at the sea. The ocean had once been where they would go together, but as of recent, they were separate.Indefinitely? Neither of them knew for sure.
Relationships: Blue Diamond/Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	Lille

**Author's Note:**

> i've been heavily listening to the song lille by lisa hannigan (hands down one of my favorite songs) and i LOVE the music video for it, so i wrote this! it's sort've based on the music video for it, but i mostly used the song lyrics and interpreted them how i saw them. 
> 
> i highly recommend reading this with ocean sounds and the song playing in the background as that's how i wrote it :)

Often when they couldn’t clear their heads, both Blue and Yellow found themselves at the sea. Whereas Blue’s cottage sat on the cliffside like a cat sitting on its haunches, Yellow’s sat sturdily near the shore, stony and serious. The ocean had once been a place where they would go together, but as of recent, they were separated.

Indefinitely? Neither of them knew for sure. 

Yellow’s decrepit sailboat bobbed as she unhooked it from the dock near her house. Hoisting her sails, the boat gently glided through the water, the wind catching the faded blue cloth and pulling her out to sea. With tired, bloodshot eyes, Yellow stared out at the waves surrounding the tiny boat. She folded her hands in her lap and sat with her legs crossed, unmoving. Thinking.

Yellow was a frequent visitor to the salty water; it was where she came to sort things out within herself. The stress of having to be such a strong and confident individual was taxing on the woman. Out here, there was no pressure to be any of those things. She didn’t have to be anyone but herself and she could do that with no repercussions. No accusations. No mistakes. 

There was no doubt in her mind that she loved Blue with an intensity that couldn’t even begin to be described. As soon as the two had met, their love had blossomed and manifested into something that was so beautiful to Yellow. It was one of those passionate loves that was dizzying and disorienting, but Yellow found herself addicted and drawn in more and more everyday. They had spent many long years growing together, learning from each other, and hoping to bring a child into their lives.

But as it is known, all good things must come to an end eventually. 

The child didn’t survive to meet the light of day, lost in Blue’s womb. Spiraling, Blue became inconsolable. Yellow’s lover fell into a depressional abyss, not being able to find any sort of escape. She shut down and became almost completely unresponsive to any emotion other than pain, and this was projected onto the cold walls of the house that they shared. The house became devoid of light, happiness and the most regrettable: love. Blue was known to cast her feelings onto the atmosphere around her, which was both a blessing and a curse. 

In Yellow’s case, it was a nightmare. 

Every ounce of pain that Blue felt, Yellow also felt, if not twice as hard. It became insufferable, so much so that Yellow launched herself into work and buried herself, as though to distract from the feeling. She’d later come to regret neglecting her companion.

On the sailboat, the wind had subsided a bit and the wind now gently lapped at the sides. Yellow sighed. She wanted desperately to speak to Blue, to apologize, to take her into her arms again. But what does one say to someone they have hurt so deeply? How can one mend a bond as strong as theirs, especially after Yellow withdrew herself when Blue needed her most? Still deep in thought, Yellow gazed off into the distance. Her throat tightened and the all-too-familiar pressure of wanting to cry became evident. 

On the cliff side, the outline of a person was barely visible. However, Yellow had spent many days staring at this particular cliff from the sea. The hair of the person blew delicately as the wind began to pick up again. By squinting, she could make out the golden scarf as well. Yellow felt her heart soar at the same time that it sank. The tears pricked bitterly at her eyes and she clenched her jaw as she turned away, willing herself not to cry. This was a battle she lost, as the tears began to snake their way down her cheeks, dripping off of her chin and onto the salty deck of the sailboat.

* * *

For every day that passed, Blue had hoped that she wouldn’t wake to see the next. The agony that she constantly felt was almost unbearable. To lose a child was one matter, but to lose her wife was another. She couldn’t tell which hurt most and quite frankly, she didn’t care. She just wanted it to be over.

From months of crying, Blue found herself unable to produce tears any longer. She had become nearly emotionless, save for the insurmountable emptiness that she felt not only within her house, but within herself. What had once been a loving and inviting home had now transformed into shadow, looming and grim. 

For a long while, Blue often found herself stumbling throughout the house blindly, aimlessly, looking for what she would never find. She called for Yellow, and she was never met with a response. Only the echoes of her own hoarse and broken voices responded. Simply put, she was lost. But unfortunately for Blue, there was nowhere to go, no one to turn to. 

Though Blue had always loved the ocean, there was a point shortly thereafter the loss of her child and Yellow’s disappearance where she had come to hate it. It had always been her safe haven, but from her dwelling on the cliff side, it had seemed to swallow up everything that she needed and loved. Her sentiment towards the salty water became almost visceral as she wished for it to disappear, or to at least take her, too. 

One evening, she found herself so angry at herself, so angry at the world that Blue walked all the way to the shore, straight into the water until she couldn’t stand it. She sobbed as the waves crashed around her, indignantly attempting to force the water away from her, only becoming sodden with the salt water. It was almost as if the sea could feel her anguish and grieved alongside her. Blue eventually collapsed on the floor of her cottage, exhausted from suffering.

Exhausted from existing. 

From that moment on, Blue slowly began frequenting the sea more often. If not sitting near the shore, she stood on the cliff side, watching the clouds roll over the ocean, its waves hungrily lapping at the shore. As time went on, she still endured the pain that she always did, but it slowly became easier and easier to breathe. Slowly but surely, she began to move forward and make progress, even if it was in small steps. 

But that feeling went just as fast as it had come. 

Today, Blue wrapped the worn golden scarf around her shoulders; it had been a gift from Yellow and Blue could never find herself being able to part with it, as many times as she had tried. With both heavy eyelids and an even heavier heart, Blue stumbled her way outside into the salty air. The wind caught her dress as she began to near the cliff side, the skirt billowing out around her much like the waves around the rocks near the other side of the cliff. The wind tangled itself in her hair as she moved towards the edge. The scarf tightened itself around her neck. Blue reached the edge and stared emptily out at the sea below her. In the distance, faded blue sails. At the sight of the sailboat, Blue’s grief engulfed her, uninvited and cruel.

Blue took another step and found herself dangerously close to the water below.

She looked down at her bare feet and then out to the sea again, her eyes automatically landing on the sailboat as much as she didn’t want them to.

Without thinking twice, she jumped. 

No pain, no suffering. She was free. 

* * *

Panicked, Yellow flung the gate of her yard open, Blue draped lifelessly in her arms. As gently as she could, she laid Blue down on the deck, compressing her chest and breathing into her mouth. This time, Yellow could not stop the tears from spilling over onto Blue’s cheeks as she begged for her to wake up. Minutes passed, but they felt like decades to Yellow as she cried and hoped for her lover’s eyes to open.

Coughing and sputtering, the salt water expelled itself from Blue lungs and onto the deck. Piercing blue became slightly visible, contrasting starkly against her sickly pale skin. Yellow clumsily stumbled over to her, holding her as if it were her last few moments on Earth, as if nothing else mattered. 

To Yellow, nothing did. Blue was the most important. 

She sobbed into Blue’s hair, cradling her like an infant, blubbering words that were incoherent. Blue’s mind remained foggy and she felt so fragile, wanting to succumb to the darkness that was trying to overtake her. Weakly, she nuzzled herself into Yellow’s neck and tried to mumble words of comfort to Yellow, but her vocal chords were in so much pain, she couldn’t strain anything out. She hoped that her small gesture would be enough before she gave in to the sleepiness that overcame her, blacking out once again.

It had been nearly a full day when Blue finally stirred again. She had slept almost completely unmoving in Yellow’s bed until the sunlight streamed through the window. Blue squinted and turned her head away from the brightness, exhausted and spent. She desperately wished for infinite sleep, but instead opened her eyes slowly. 

The sight of the unfamiliar bedroom was jarring and not at all what Blue had expected to see, but what caught her even more by surprise was the sight of Yellow herself. She stared and didn’t dare to blink, fearing that the deafening silence of the room would give way and let it be known that she was awake. Yellow sat in the corner of the room by the door, head in her hands. From what Blue could hear, she seemed to be talking to herself softly which was very out of character for the well put together woman. 

Blue wasn’t ready to face Yellow, especially considering her absence when she needed her. The anger was searing throughout Blue, yet she felt sadness tearing through her all the same. Before she could close her again, Yellow head tilted up towards Blue. Blue’s entire stomach lurched and she could feel the tears stinging her eyes. 

A shame that they had seemed to work again at a reunion such as this one. 

Yellow’s own eyes met with Blue’s and she stared, the words that she had been rehearsing in her mind fleeing entirely. Yellow opened her mouth and tried to speak, but no noise escaped. Blue waited, two lone tears trickling down her face, across the bridge of her nose and onto the pillow beneath her head. Slowly, Yellow stood up from her chair and the wooden floorboards creaked beneath her weight as she cautiously made her way over to Blue’s bedside. She dropped to her knees with a thud as she reached out a trembling hand to cup Blue’s pale face. Yellow wiped away a tear with her thumb and her swollen and pink eyes looked into Blue’s own. Pleading, searching for anything. Yellow opened her mouth.

_ An apology softly escaped, the strong voice wavering. _

With all the strength she could muster, Blue turned over in the bed, preferring to stare at the harsh sunlight than to continue looking at Yellow. The wave of emotions inside of her was quickly becoming overwhelming and she couldn’t stifle the sob that escaped. She continued sobbing silently, shoulders heaving as she did so. The bed caved in a bit and she could feel Yellow sitting beside her. Fingertips ghosted across the freckles on her arm and with the most broken and genuine voice she had ever heard from Yellow, she uttered three words full of emotion:

_ I’m here now. _

* * *

Often when they couldn’t clear their heads, both Blue and Yellow found themselves at the sea. 

For long months, they had found themselves there alone but they now found themselves there together.

Coexistent once again.

It had taken plenty of coaxing from Yellow, tears and hoarse, raw apologies. Blue had barely uttered a word, sitting in silence, attempting to focus her attention elsewhere. While Yellow spoke, her heart felt whole once again, but yet still twice as empty. After a few hours, the sun had set and it was dark, mirroring the atmosphere in the room. Wordlessly, Blue had extended a hand and led Yellow out to the beach. Boarding Yellow’s sailboat, she expertly unhooked the rope and hoisted the sails, drifting them out to sea. 

The moon reflected nicely on the water and the breeze blowing off of the sea made it a bit chilly. Still wrapped in Yellow’s blanket, Blue wrapped it around both of their shoulders as they stood on the deck staring at the ocean, the tide lapping at the edge of the boat. The gesture choked up Yellow once again. Above, the stars clearly shined overhead, save for the occasional cloud that was few and far between. Minutes passed and neither of them spoke. Blue toyed with words in her mind, trying to find the right thing to say. 

More minutes.

A frail hand on Yellow’s calloused. 

Yellow holds her breath. 

_ Forgiveness _ .

Yellow exhales, embracing Blue tightly. 

It wasn’t the same, and it never would be.

Out of fear of being wrong, neither of them spoke for the remainder of the time they floated on the sea, Blue’s head on Yellow’s shoulder, Yellow absentmindedly stroking her thumb across the veins of Blue’s hand. There was tension, yes. But there was also the release with every passing moment. 

_ A question. _

Blue turned and Yellow captured her face gently in her hands, as though Blue could shatter any second.

A chaste kiss.

Both of the two were breathless. An intense gaze turned into smiles. Smiles turned into soft, bittersweet laughter. 

The sun began to rise on the sea, creeping up from the horizon. The lovers nestled closer.

In the wind, faded blue sails mingled with a golden scarf.

It was a start.

  
  



End file.
